Chastened, down-hearted and ashamed

A year ago, I took Mama to the eye doctor. Turns out her prescription had not changed one jot, so she did not need new glasses. The doctor did, however, mention Mama's macular degeneration, something Mama had forgotten she had. From that day to this, Mama has been "blind".

Frankly, I have had little patience with her "blindness". It seemed inconceivable to me that a person could be able to read one day and totally incapable the next, just because she hadn't gotten new glasses. "You don't need them, Mother," I told her, "Your eyes have not changed at all." "But I'm blind!" she responded, and it pissed me off. More of her drama, more of her acting up for attention.

But, being the good daughter-in-law I am, I took her back to the eye-doctor today. I sat there, irritated, as Mama claimed to be able to only read the first line of the chart - you know the line, the one with the giant E that is facing in the wrong direction. I listened as she first told the technician that there was nothing wrong with her vision, and then began to catalog a host of woes. When Dr. Bell came in to do the exam, Mama put on a show for her as well.

At the end of the exam, the doctor again informed us that there has been very little change in Mama's prescription. There is some "leaking" in her better eye, (the left), and so she will have a procedure on the 14th to see if she is a good candidate for laser surgery to stop that, but otherwise, her current glasses are filling the bill and will continue to do so until after the surgery, if it turns out to be necessary.

"I'm as blind as a bat" Mama yells. "Where's the bathroom?" I signal to the doctor to talk to me while Mother leaves the room in search of a toilet. "Her vision seems to be stable, but she keeps telling me she is blind. Is there any way you could give me an idea of what her vision is?" Doctor Bell left the room and came back with two different lenses, one for the left and one for the right eye. I looked through them. "Omigod! Is this what she sees WEARING her glasses?" I asked. Dr. Bell just nodded.

Mama has only blurred peripheral vision in her right eye. She perceives light and movement but that's about it. Her left eye is a little better, but not much, though it is hoped the laser surgery with help a bit; at least it should stop any further deterioration. I don't know how Mother recognizes faces, navigates steps, or manages to negotiate the house. Yes, her prescription has not changed in three years, but that, as it turns out, is meaningless. Her vision has not changed from GOD-AWFUL in three years. I had no idea. I thought she was myopic and a self-pitying, self-aggrandizing drama queen. Turns out she is a blind, self-pitying, self-aggrandizing drama queen.

Poor old thing. I feel lower than whale shit for not taking her seriously. All the times I looked through her glasses, I never got a sense of how the world really looks to her. No wonder she is depressed! And here I have been, making light of her problem, and assuming that, because her prescription wasn't changing, her complaints were without validity. I could have been so much more understanding and so much more helpful to her this past year than I was. I have been rolling my eyes at her complaints. What a bitch!

Well, I am both chastened and shamed by this experience. Hope I never end up with me as my caretaker when I am 78.