This-ing and That-ing Again

I babysat my wonderful baby granddaughter Emily (three in November) for the very first time in her entire life today. Becca left her with me while she ran to the grocery store. Emily looked adorable, and we had such a wonderful time she did not want to go home. Isn’t it funny how something as simple as the pleasure of a child’s company can iron all the wrinkles out of your life? My eldest granddaughters Kendall and Haley have apparently reached the “we don’t need you, thanks” age; Delaney still loves me, but she stopped dancing with joy at the sight of me some time ago. Sometimes you just need someone joyful at seeing you to know your life has meaning. We played with the castle and put all the people in the dungeon- Emily is very strict- we had Popsicles, and washed our hands and faces and admired ourselves in the mirror; she even let me brush her hair! We hauled out the paints and were in mid-masterpiece when Becca came back insisting on taking Emily home. Just because she had to pick up the three big girls from school, put away the groceries, and start dinner, was that any reason to spoil our fun?

Segue...
Every week, Dave and I watch “Two and a Half Men” and laugh our asses off. Fortunately, they are large asses and easy to find, and we have a good time screwing them back on again. Sometimes we exchange them, - which is always good for a laugh, and our asses fall off again. You find your amusements where you can at our age.
Anyway, at the end of each show, there is a 1.5 second flash of a vanity card, written by Chuck Lorre, writer, producer, and dazzling wit. (Mr. Lorre was same for Cybill, Dharma and Greg, Grace Under Fire and Roseanne.) What is a vanity card? It’s like a mini-blog flashed onto the screen in which the writer indulges his own vanity.

Or, as IMDB dryly puts it, “The Chuck Lorre Productions vanity card at the end of each episode consists of the words "Chuck Lorre Productions", the episode number, and a short essay or mini screenplay that changes with each episode. Topics have included a riff on slang words that Lorre wants to coin(1), the reason a certain scene containing the line of dialogue that was used as the episode's title was edited out(2), and a screenplay about Lorre's assistant entering his office and finding him curled up in the foetal position(3).”

Foetal rather than fetal.
How effete.
Makes you want to dash right out and read it, doesn’t it?
No matter -you cannot read a vanity card in 1.5 seconds anyway but thanks to TiVo, you can pause it to read it. Or, if you are like Dave and I at the end of the show- you know, looking for your ass- you can find the hilarious cards here:

http://www.chucklorre.com/text/


I warn you, his writing is subversive, politically incorrect, slightly skewed toward dementia and brilliant. It’s also somehow endearing. I would love to meet this guy. You cannot help but love a guy who makes you laugh with delighted abandon until you wet your pants. Thank God for Depends. The vanity card that nearly killed me was Year Three, Episode #146 entitled “The writers of ‘Two and a Half Men’ foolishly present the 25 'old' jokes we didn't use”( in an episode about Alan “dating” his 80-year-old next door neighbor, played by Cloris Leachman). Well, at least I would have died laughing.

1TAAHM- Year Two- Episode #130
The words Chuck invents are doorgasm, gridlove, and homortified. Look ‘em up.
2TAAHM – Year Two- Episode #124
The title of the show was “Frankenstein and the Horny Villagers”.
3TAAHM- Year Two- Episode #136
Title: “Persistent Vegetative State: Pilot Script”