Honesty, tact and other impossible missions

LIES.
I guess the biggest lie of all is that we are not supposed to lie. What hypocritical horse-hockey that is. We should stop using that lie… totally honest people are not well tolerated, and sometimes tarred and feathered in locales where the practice still persists. We don’t like totally honest people. We don’t want to be around them. We don’t want to be one of them, because they are usually lonely since no one wants to be around them. Face it, we must lie for the sake of our own social survival. That’s why we invented the lie about the “white” lie. All lies are bad, but some lies are less bad than others because they spare people’s feelings, right? Slippery slope, people, slippery slope. Still, if we must be liars, we should lie with

TACT
Tact is basically a tactic for softening or avoiding an unpleasant truth, and is therefore intrinsically a form of lying. Still, tactfulness is more highly prized than bluntness, and in my middling years, I am finally beginning to catch on to that. I am trying to blunt my bluntness.

I will give you an example. Imagine you are in the presence of young parents who are showing you the ugliest baby you have ever seen in your entire life. Pleasant enough looking themselves, they have managed to produce a living illustration of why some genes SHOULD be recessive. The dewy eyed parents look to you for a comment on the child.

Do not say “Omigod! What possessed you to bring that home?” Don’t do it. These people LIKE the baby. They may even think it’s cute. They certainly see it as a gift from Heaven, especially since they haven’t been parents long. They expect their spawn to be beatified by all who see it, so it would be bad to say “Honey, when the nurses said “Jesus Christ!” when they saw him, they were NOT announcing the second coming.”

Do not be tempted to say that the creature looks like either, or both, of its parents. One of the parents may actually be wise to the fact that the baby is a horror and take offense. And, for the same reason, do not tell an outright lie. I tried that once. I looked at an ugly baby and said, with a straight face and a falsetto voice, “Oh, what a beautiful baby!” and the father looked up at me and said “What, are you nuts? He looks like five miles of bad road.”

Now, learned reader, should I have agreed with that statement or not? See what I am saying here? Mendacity (AKA tact) is required in these situations. A tactful person would think of something innocuous to say and then change the subject. “Oh, my goodness, look, a baby. How about those Mets?”

It is not cool to respond to a dinner invitation with “Dinner with you? I’d rather have my teeth drilled.” Too honest. Or with “No.” Too blunt. Try “I am touched and honored by the invitation but regret that I must decline at this and all future times.” Now that’s tactful.

Other examples… When someone is stupid enough to tell their proper age, an honest person might respond with “Damn! You ARE older than dirt”. Once again I must ask, do you believe anyone would appreciate that level of truthfulness? I think not. The blunt person might respond “Bet you wish you’d taken better care of yourself, huh?” Tsk, tsk, tsk. The tactful person would respond “Oh, the history you have seen. How about those Mets?”

This is the end of today’s lesson. I know that to some people, my teaching tact is like Mother Theresa teaching belly dancing, but I am learning from my mistakes and want to share my insights with you.

Okay, so that’s a white lie.