Grocery Diva

I hate grocery shopping. Maybe if I did it every day instead of every week, I would hate it a little less, because I would have fewer bags to wrestle with. Nah. I hate the stores; they are too bright, too cold, and too damn boring. I hate check-out, I hate loading the car, unloading the car, putting away the groceries, breaking down bulk purchases into smaller portions, recycling plastic bags … need I go on?

So… out here in California, you can actually grocery shop ON-LINE! How cool is that? You make your list on line, choose the brand names you want (or don’t), permit substitutions (or not), pick a day and time and voila! Groceries come to your door like magic. You still have to put them away, but somehow it’s not so onerous when a nice man has done all the aisle surfing and heavy lifting for you. Kinda like a provender Christmas- “OOOH, what’s in THIS bag?”

I have only shopped online for groceries twice, and I am 1 for two. I didn’t screw up the first time I did it, when I didn’t know what I was doing, but made up for it big time yesterday, when, theoretically, I did know what I was doing.

The first time the groceries came, a very nice man named Luis gave me some very helpful hints on how to maximize my shopping experience and refused a tip. “Give it to your church,” he said, and I will when I get home. Five dollars from Luis. God bless him.

Yesterday, after using all of the helpful tips Luis gave me, I was awaiting the delivery of the last groceries we will need for this trip. A knock at the door, and there stands another nice young man with a crate of food. I sign for it, and hand him a 100 dollar bill to pay for it. He
looks startled. “Can’t you change a 100 bill?” I ask, slightly panicked because that’s all the money I have, and the groceries are $92. He shakes his head, so I figure, what the hell, it’s Christmas and tell him to keep the change. He is gob-smacked. Thanks me innumerable times. I wave him out with a smile and a “Merry Christmas”. I am feeling pretty darn pleased with myself, and a little humbled that an $8 dollar tip could mean that much to someone.

Until I remember that I prepaid the groceries with my credit card.

That child walked off with a $100 tip.

Well, what the hell, it’s Christmas.

Except now I have to tell Dave what I have done. I stress all day. I’m not stressing about the money, I am stressing about the sheer absent-mindedness of the act. My brain is absent way too frequently these days. I think I may have Alzheimer’s because I keep forge… Sometimes I really fear I may have Alzheimer’s, because…

Anyway, the man gets home, and I tell him about my day. You have got to love a man who reacts this way: “What a great day you gave that kid! Who gets a $100 tip? He will remember that his whole life. And in time for Christmas, too. How cool is that?” To which he added, “Don’t make this a habit.”

So, God bless the young man and may his Christmas be bright. And God bless my husband for his generous heart. And God help me, because I am obviously losing it.

I really fear I may have the beginnings of….. what was I saying?