Mocha Frappuccinos, and the joys of travel

The more I travel, the more I find that I am like a fine red wine.

• I am full-bodied… which means that most airplane seats are a bad fit.


• I turn to vinegar if mishandled.


• I need to be aerated to be at my best.


• I do not travel well.

I am slogging through the obligatory two days of unwellness that seems to accompany every trip. I dropped a three-hole punch (heavy) on my foot before we left, and my foot swelled to uncomfortable proportions, which has made walking fun. As expected, the beloved right knee has gone on strike, as it always does after a flight, so I will be limping for the next few days. My right shoulder is in a semi-permanent cramp, making me decidedly lopsided; all I need is a popped eye and a lisp, and I could be Igor. “Tell me, Dr. Frankenstein, do you find me repulsive?”

It’s not all bad, of course. I got out of the apartment yesterday, and got myself a Starbucks Mocha Frappuccino- oh, how I LOVE my Mocha Frappucino, that little slice of Heaven in a cup. Six million calories, thirty thousand grams of fat… what’s not to like? I limit myself to one a week, and give up breakfast and lunch to have it, so you know it’s love. I can hear you all shouting “You moron, you’re a diabetic!!”… to which I say “What’s your point?” A person is entitled to a destructive vice or two. I gave up smoking six years ago, I’m not a drinker, I don’t gamble except with my health… CHEERS! (Excuse me while I wipe the whipped cream off my face.)

It’s been pretty here, lovely breezes, moderate temps and since I am here without my daughter, whom I miss… or Mother… it is very quiet. Well, not TOO quiet. The phone rings a lot. It’s mostly Stephanie, my housekeeper and Mama’s caregiver, asking me how to work the big screen TV for Mama. It really should be a no-brainer, because before I left, I set the TV to the Encore Western channel, Mama’s favorite. I put away the extraneous remotes, and left out the two that control the TV and the receiver. I placed these on a piece of labeled paper, half designated “Silver remote- TV” and the other half designated “Black remote- sound”. Under these designations were the instructions: Push the green button (TV). Push the red button (sound). I demonstrated these instructions twice before I left. I felt pretty good about making it possible for my technologically challenged mother-in-law to watch her favorite shows while I am away. After all, how hard can it be to push two buttons?

Apparently, it is very hard. Yesterday, Mama couldn’t get a signal. Stephanie called and I walked her through troubleshooting. We found the problem. Mama had pushed a button on the TV remote she shouldn’t have, and more than once. Sigh. She was on video one when she needed to be on video three. Twenty minutes on the phone solved that problem. I had Stephanie take her through the instructions once again, and thought all was well.

At 10:30 this morning, Steph called again. Apparently, Mother got frustrated when the TV didn’t come on instantaneously, opened the cabinet door and began turning knobs on all the electronic equipment inside. Mama told Stephanie that David had told her to do that if the TV didn’t work. Since David blanches when even I touch his sanctified system, it seems highly unlikely. All the knob turning made today’s troubleshooting a little more complicated but we got there. Stephanie told Mama just to leave the TV on all the time, which will solve the problem if Mama will do it. What are the odds?

I anticipate yet another call tomorrow. Mother is fully capable of pushing two buttons but where’s the fun in that? She’ll think of something to screw up, I am sure. In the meantime, I am going to do a load of dishes, a load of laundry, vacuum, dust and make the bed, which is what I pay Stephanie to do for me in Tullahoma… Does it seem to you that my life is a little screwy?