Off again... sigh

The last day of May is fading, and so am I.

I started my day with saying good-bye to Dave- again- as he is off to Washington until Friday. That cheery start was followed by blood work (yuck) and a general feeling of malaise. I just have a few more days at home. We are leaving for San Diego on Sunday, June 5th, and it appears we will be there until the 25th. In Dave-speak, two weeks = 20 days.

I really don't like being gone that long- Mama doesn't do well when we are gone for too long, and I haven't even taken a dip in my pool yet- but the change may just be good for me. I am still depressed about losing my brother and haven't seen my daughter in a good long while, so maybe this trip is just what I need.

It might be good to make myself scarce for awhile. Mama and I went out to dinner with Jake, Becca and the kids tonight, and I had a sudden illuminating thought that it might, at least where my granddaughters are concerned, be a good idea to go away long enough to be missed. I don't know if it is their ages, or if there has been a change in me, or whether I am unrealistically expecting them to feel about me the way I felt about my Grandma Brooks, but lately, my relationship with the girls has not been particularly satisfying. I don't get any spontaneous affection from them and I have been feeling both taken for granted and neglected at the same time.

Maybe I am just emotionally vulnerable right now. I don't know. But sometimes I fear they are outgrowing me and that makes me very sad. I never outgrew my Grandma. But that was me. Grandma Brooks was my emotional mother; that was true the whole of our relationship. My granddaughters are better blessed than I was; they have Rebecca. Jake and Becca have created a stable, loving, enriching environment in their sweet home in Manchester. Maybe I need to become superfluous to the girls. I don't need to fill the "mama" role for Kendall and Haley any more. I just have to learn how to be grandma, I guess.

So, off to San Diego I go, determined not to let myself miss them too much, and to spend some time redefining myself- and giving them the opportunity to miss me, maybe. In the meantime... I will be packing and making lists and preparing Mama for our absence from here... again. Sigh. If only San Diego could come here. Here is where I really like to be. Off to bed, me.