I have had a lot of jobs in my life, most of them unskilled labor. I was an incompetent secretary at 18; a sales clerk for Sears; a grocery check-out; a ward clerk at U. of M. hospital; a contributor to a craft store; a housekeeper/babysitter... I never made a lot of money, never really enjoyed my work, and certainly never felt challenged or fulfilled.
At 34, I went back to college to get my degree. I earned my A.S. in biology in 1986, my B.S. and teacher certification in 1989, and my M.S. in 1993. I finally started a career in 1993. I was 44. I was an instructor of biology and on top of the world. I loved my job, I was challenged, fulfilled, and finally was making decent money and was something beside a housewife and mother who worked odd jobs for Christmas money. I finally had a little status. I rose through the ranks, became tenured, was named to "Who's Who Among America's Teachers" four times, won the Foundation's Faculty Excellence Award twice, and made a place for myself. I was the lab supervisor for the McMinnville Center and lead person for the science program there.
As time went on, my happiness in the job deteriorated. Higher education in Tennessee is no place to find job satisfaction, appreciation, or even decent wages. My morale sank a little every year. But my love of teaching never wavered, nor my sense that what I was doing was important. I may have hated the way I was ill-used by the college, but I was committed to it, happy with it or not.
Still, some years ago, I began to toy with the idea of moving over to administration in some manner- maybe as head of the science department, particularly since the current head had been and was making my life on the job a living hell. I went back to school and earned my Ed. S. in 2003. I was promoted to Associate Professor, as high as you can go without a PhD. The promotion brought a glorious $600.00 a year raise in salary with it. I should have been happier.
Except at the same time, my husband was also promoted, and his promotion doubled his salary, which was impressive to begin with, and necessitated his being in San Diego at least two weeks of every month. Since he would be traveling extensively to other places the remaining two weeks, he asked me to take a one year leave of absence from my job to travel with him, at least to San Diego. After some very serious thought, I did just that. After all, it was just for a year, and might be fun. We set up an apartment in San Diego and bounced between Tennessee and California. I didn't do any of the other traveling with him because his geriatric mother lives with us, and likes having me around at least half the month.
After 11 years as a something, I went back to being a... what? I wasn't a housekeeper anymore, I have one. I am not a mother anymore, my kids are adults. I have always been a wife, but I am no trophy, so what am I? Men are not the only creatures who define themselves by their careers. It has been a rough year for my self-esteem and self-image.
Now the year is over, or almost over, and it is obvious that the travel to San Diego is not. Nor will it be. If I return to my job, I will seldom see my husband. If I travel with my husband, I cannot keep my job. I am facing a very unfair choice here, my marriage or my career. No matter how unhappy I may have been in that career, it is a big part of who I am. I have had a taste this year of returning to the "Dave's wife" status, and it has not been easy. Half of my life is now spent among people who do not even bother to include me in conversations. I don't work for Cubic; I am not a Cube, so that would probably be the way of things in any case; they are an insular, absorbed, uni-topic group. But it is hard.
I am going in to the college today to resign my position. It really is a no-brainer, the choice between husband and career. But it is not without pain and regret, and a certain amount of surprise and sadness that none of my nearest and dearest see it as any kind of a sacrifice at all. Yes, I was unhappy, but I was happy also, at least with the TEACHING component of my job. I enjoyed preparing for lectures, setting up labs, having the use of a lab whenever I wished, creating PowerPoints, figuring out new ways to present information. I enjoyed advisement and the interaction with the students. I loved the staff at my teaching center and my colleagues there. I will miss all of that terribly. I loved being effective, and seeing people grow in knowledge and confidence, and I love my subject area. For all the myriad things I will not miss about higher education, there are an equal number I will miss about teaching.
So my 11 year career ends today. I can't help but feel a little down about that. I was better at teaching than anything else I have ever done in my life, including being a wife and a mother. Somehow I must find the joy in being a... what? Again.